There’s a japanese proverb about being authentic that says we all have three different faces. 

The first one is the one we show the world at large. The one we carefully craft to handle social interactions and avoid judgement as much as possible. 

A mask, a “character” if I may.

The second face is the one we show to our family, close friends and other such relationships. 

This is the face we get as the mask starts cracking, where some semblances of our real selves start slipping through, but we’re still not totally honest to those around us. 

The third face is the one we only have behind closed doors and never show anyone. It is our truest self, the one that’s not affected or defined by societal expectations, judgements or pressure. 

I think we’re usually so unwilling of showing this face is the constant crippling fear of being vulnerable and have it so close to judgement.

The other main reason is because most people don’t even get the chance to know it for themselves. 

Let me share my experience to open up this discussion. 

Outside of my older sister and her friends, our family unit and what I  like to call my “womb friend” who we’re going to call F for now, I spent a lot of time of my younger years alone. 

Very few friends and thus few birthdays to attend, playdates, and very few people I could call a real friend.

Getting Lost on the Search

Over time people started acknowledging me merely by my relationship with others; not by my own person.

And as typical for a kid I was only really interested in making friends at school, it’s just that the other kids weren’t as interested in me being their friend as I was.

I felt invisible and only was in the spotlight to be belittled, bullied, mocked or provoked into fights. Isolated and alienated, that feeling of being invisible was my most constant companion during all those years and after so long that’s all I ever wanted to be. 

Ironically, the effort to be more invisible made me stand out to those who took the chance to keep mocking and belittling me. 

Back then I didn’t know any better so my reaction was to continue making myself small and invisible; only to become a miserable, angry kid and teenager who just lashed out at everything and everyone.

Come to think of it that could have been one of the reasons as to why people kept their distance from me.

Even F and I grew apart at that time. 

Coming Out of the Cacoon

Anyways, things started turning around when I turned 15. 

The very same people that ostracised me started acknowledging me with only what they perceived and the most common thing they said was that I was “cool and funny”.

And just like that I found my mask. 

Looking at it now I realize it was me discovering the kind of potential I had, or at least what I could perceive and even then just what mattered back then. 

I leaned into that even as I started making real connections with people who are still like family, I turned the character up to eleven; made a conscious effort to be funny, entertaining and goofy.

And it worked.

People started coming to me not with the intention to bully me but to have a good time. 

Liked the attention, loved the attention and how it made me feel and so I strived for more.

Even then, I was still hidden in plain sight. They loved the character I’d created and what he made them feel but no one got past it, no one was interested to see who was the guy behind the mask. My “secret identity” remained secret even though I desperately hoped for someone to uncover it. 

Started at 15 but going to college for the one career I loved was the turning point. It was there where I met two of the first people to see me outside of my unit and high school friends.

The time we spent together was very short but the baseline for our friendship was so strong because all three of us; afraid and scared of opening up, did exactly that with each other.

We were authentic with each other from day one which led to amazing three months spent together.

10 years have passed since then and we haven’t seen each other in person again, but we’ve become closer than ever.

The Impact

Since then; I’ve had the fortune of having so many people approach me in a lot of different settings and situations with no other intentions than to just talk, get to know me and bond. 

Through all these people and my relationships with them I’ve gone through such wide experiences, emotions and learned valuable lessons. 

And despite all the differences between them, the one thing they have in common is how drawn they’ve been to me and how interested they get to peel my layers off, figure me out and create our little personal world of honesty, laughter and vulnerability.

Through them is where I learned that real love doesn’t come from chemistry or pure compatibility or sexual attraction or blood relations. 

All of that helps for sure, but real love is born and grows from letting each other know that we’re noticed, seen and appreciated. It can only grow from that

Real love comes from looking past the mask we have on and the characters we create.

Real love comes from making the gamble of being authentic and letting those who we feel has earned it to see us for that. 

Loving someone is to see them.

What Seeing Others Really Means

Not from just having fun but from the real effort to not only make time to see them, talk to them, to spend quality time with them.

But the effort to constantly overlook the mask and see each other for what you’re made of.

To identify what emotion is really coming up in your eyes

What your experiences have taught you and how they’ve made you grow; what they mean to YOU and not necessarily to them.

To give each other the space and time to open up without judging or discriminating, to appreciate what you have to offer not only to your relationship; but to the world. 

Loving someone is seeing them for who they are, who they’ve been and who they could be. You see them for their potential and their talents, their dreams and goals.

You cherish the person they have buried under their insecurities, that one face we keep to ourselves.

Loving someone else is figuring out their puzzle to know what they love, what they hate and knowing what’s going on just by glancing at them. 

It’s to appreciate their minds as wonderful works of art to understand their thoughts, actions and words when they’re incomprehensible to others.

It’s speaking out for them without drowning them out or doing the effort to make others discover the treasure you’ve already found.

Really Loving Others

Loving them is knowing what shifts their mood and their energy. 

It’s having them so present you feel them even when not near and just knowing when something is happening with them.
It’s reaching out or letting them come to you when needed. 

Loving someone is finding out their unsavory traits and seeing them as just another part of them, to keep loving them regardless. 

It’s having full confidence of their strength to work it out through anything, their will to survive and their worth as warriors. 

Loving them is recognizing them as both a protector and protegee. 

For letting them see you whenever you feel weak and vulnerable and letting them be there for you, to take care of you. 

As I said before all of this requires constant precious effort to develop but some of the things I’ve found are consistently to keep how we look at others as new and fascinating as possible. 

It’s been a long wild ride but over the years and across my experiences I’ve found some things that consistently allow me to be seen and see others.

Check them out here