There have been two friendships in my life that have meant, no, mean so much to me for similar things but have also caused a grief that I never thought I’d feel.

I want one thing to be very clear tho: I’m not here to talk shit about them.

I love them, I always have and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving them.

Having set the record straight, this is my experience.

Let me start by telling you about F.

I don’t remember my life without her in it. How could I? Our mothers knew each other since they were teenagers and were pregnant with us at the same time.

She and I are one and a half months apart: I was born at the end of March, she in the middle of May.

I remember her meeting in a similar way I met my family: knowing her name. her relations to me, knowing the place she fit in my life.

And she did feel like family. How could she not? she was always there.

Even during our childhoods having different activities, our mothers always seemed to arrange having us to spend time together without us realizing it.

And we liked so many of the same things also.

Her parents loved me and always welcomed me into their home, specially her mother who would smother me with hugs and kisses.

It was just natural.

Communication did die a little as we got to high school, she made a solid friend group while I became a loner and for some years the only interactions we had were glances from afar.

I don’t know what got into me one day and I just said something to her in school and we talked as if time and distance had never ocurred.

Didn’t talk on the phone or saw each other that often after that but when we did, we had so much to talk about and to catch up on.

Just when I was finally feeling secure in her being a constant … Silence.

She stopped responding to my texts, didn’t pick up any calls, left me on read. Nothing

Her mother? She turned cold towards me, looked at me with a certain disgust and didn’t pay attention to me either.

For months I tried talking to them, wondering what had happened and even apologizing for whatever I had done to cause this rift.

The very last I heard of any of them at that time was during New Year’s, I made my mother call hers as they hadn’t spoken for months.

After my mother finished talking she told her she’d give me the phone aaaand she hung up without speaking to me.

All the attention they had with me it was now directed towards my family; whereas neither side was really into each other before.

It hurt so much, because I couldn’t bring myself to not love them anymore.

It just stagnated for years.

I never made any other attempt for years to reach out as the message was; well, crystal clear by that point.

Until her mother passed away.

Yes, the wound reopened as nowI would never get an answer or explanation from her (not that any would have felt enough or worth it).

But that wasn’t the moment to put my pain ahead of hers, she was the one hurting the most and so I put it aside and gave her my condolences.

She finally responded thanking me and that was it for years.

We now follow each other on instagram and we have exchanged a couple of messages and that’s it.

She’s happy and thriving, she’s killing it. And you know what? That’s enough for me.

The second friend is one of the two I made in college. She’s one I mentioned here.

We went from speaking nearly every single day, sharing so many things and stories in common, the one friend I shared my love for broadway and musical theater, made some promises to each to dead silence.

Our latest obsession was Epic: The Musical and we scheduled a jam session of the entire musical when the final saga came out with the third friend.

We had a blast, we jammed every single song and was a great time to catch up; was even the first time in forever we saw each other on video.

It was in the beginning of March so my birthday was soon after, got a message from her and then … I stopped hearing from her.

It’s been almost a year and I made a few attempts of reaching out to know if she was okay to nothing.

Went from 100 to 0. An important piece of my routine was ripped from me and, it’s a wound that I’d recently been healing.

I thought I had healed it, but everytime any song she’s recommended me comes up on my playlist, the sadness lets itself known once again.

Because just like the first one, I couldn’t bring myself to stop loving her as in my head; there wasn’t any reason to stop.

Have we had our differences before? Yes. Have we built a stronger foundation every time? Yes. Has she disappeared from time to time to deal with her shit? Yes

But each time, love and undeerstand have always played their part and we’ve grown closer each time.

So just like F and her mother the question I ask myself is; why?

Just why?

And also like F and her mother, I’ve come to accept the answer might come years down the line, if it ever does.

That’s okay too.

This is a grief that will be with me for the rest of my days.

And the way I deal with it may surprise you.

Are you ready?

This is crazy.

I don’t think you’re ready for this.

Ready? Here it comes.

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I cry

That’s it, the big secret, the huge revelation.

And honestly I don’t think there’s any other way.

It’s grief that’s coming from a love that can’t be given directly to them.

It’s coming from a love that has stayed in my heart and doesn’t want to leave.

A love that refuses to die so it beats louder to be felt and heard.

It’s painful, beautiful and pure, but it hurts because the people it’s meant for can’t or are not willing to receive it.

It hurts so I cry, I talk about it with my support system and I cried.

And then it hurts a little bit less because love also is helping me make it lighter to carry.

Used to be a burden but now, it just is and is a part of me; just like they’ve always been.

In the unlikely case you guys read this.

I love you, always have and always will.

And for those of you who like me, are carrying a love that is stuck like mine.

I’m here for you.

Feel it, talk about it, cry and treasure it.

I feel you.

I see you.