People who have known me for a lot of years could find me colder, less empathetic, more judgmental, critical and perhaps even selfish compared to how I was in my younger years.

Seems kinda harsh, but honestly? I couldn’t possibly blame them either as way back then I was much more caring, selfless, easy-going person than now.

I’d say agree to anything others would say and also bend backwards to keep a brittle peace as harmonious as possible.

A peace that depended entirely on the other person’s happiness while how I felt was not part of the equation.

Or that was what I convinced myself of.

I guess I made it my mission for years to come to continue doing so for the sake of the tranquility of the people around me.

A selfless mission some would say and it was, for real it was.

Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting the people you love to be happy, right?

The “Scam”

While it seemed it was working for some time, what I didn’t know is that keeping that status quo up would create an expectation from those around me to keep it up.

From said expectation was born the desire to keep this familiar character dynamics over getting to know the real person behind it.

A person that desperately just wanted to be seen that was just met with rejection as it was just too different to what was known.

I was unhappy, gosh, so unhappy because I wasn’t receiving the love I needed unless I continued playing that character.

Very ingrained in my soul.

The Shock and The Hurt

The response to questions such as “who is the most important person in your life?” was immediately “my sister/grandma/mother”

Cute, right? But it never crossed my mind that it could be ME.

I only thought about how I could satisfy others around me or to say or do what I knew would make them nod in approval

It never ocurred to me that what I wanted or how I felt mattered just as much or more than what the people around me wanted or felt.

My first few attempts at making it known to them fell into deaf ears but that didn’t stop me from standing up to that for the first time in my life.

It didn’t fall into deaf ears anymore but that disrupted the dynamic in a way I hadn’t anticipated it would.

They kept accusing me of being selfish and only thinking about myself, not about them and how my actions were affecting them.

The Unforgiving Times

We started fighting all the freaking time, we were never on the same page. Most days felt like it was just me against the world.

I wanted to things to change, just wanted to try something new out but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.

They all wanted to keep the same situation going as it was what they knew. Despite the fights, despite the pain and despite the damage.

Why couldn’t we see eye to eye?

Was what I wanted really such a bad thing?

It didn’t feel that way, advocating for a change felt like the right thing to do even when I continued to be called selfish.

Heh, selfish.

Funny to have been called something I was afraid I’d be if I started taking care of myself

It felt sickening and infuriating to witness something you saw coming unfold that way.

The “Selfish” Attitude and Perception Shift

But I finally understood the need we should all have to put ourselves above anything else.

I’d finally understood that people were not caring about you because you weren’t doing it in the first place.

They only start doing so and respecting you when you’re your own #1 fan; which I admitedly wasn’t in the beginning.

I kept consciously and actively looking for that approval that I had to be my #1 fan in others

Still carefully choosing my words and actions to get that nod from others even if it wasn’t totally genuine.

It might not have been the best way to look at it and probably for the wrong reasons at first (spite) but it did gave enough fuel to be my first priority.

I was labeled “overly sensitive and dramatic” for speaking out against certain situations in my younger years, shamed into stopping and just accept the abuse.

But putting myself first, sorry, being “selfish” made me realize that little me was right!!

Turns out that all those times I was “overly sensitive” “dramatic” “defensive” was little me’s way of acknowledging what was right for me and what wasn’t to defend myself

One thing I know for a fact is that I’m not alone in this.

I’ve met throughout the years so many people with different upbringings than mine that also struggled (or used to) with coming to terms with being “selfish”

These are all “selfish” things we’ve all had to do. From what I’ve seen and experience. Enlighten me and the rest with yours

I’ll check you out in the comments

Not hiding your dislike of someone out of politeness

I’m a very chill person and I tend to see the good people so it’s very difficult for me to dislike someone.

But when I do for the reason it may be, there’s no going back.

I cannot tell you the amount of times my sister or someone else told me under their breath to change my face and to be nice.

After years I relented but sacrificing my fun and my peace to stroke and unlikeable person’s ego? You will not catch me doing that.

If I don’t like you, you’ll know.

And if you push me, you’ll know hell.

Shutting down derogatory jokes

I dont know how I found myself in situations where I was the butt of the joke time and time again.

You know the drill, laughing along to still “belong” to the group despite hearing things that made it so clear that I didn’t.

Very painful things.

So I did no more.

Specially because we have some people around that go on and on and on without realizing or caring how uncomfortable their actions are being.

So instead of taking it as it comes, aat this point of my life I’m gonna make it clear how uncool it is. I’m either pointing it out or removing myself.

Either way, the “harmless” fun will be ruined.

Living following another person’s wishes and expectations

Besides initially being the butt of jokes I was also approached by a lot of people who kept suggesting career paths for me.

Either because they couldn’t do it back in their time, they see a random trait aligning to their suggestion or just wanted me to pursue it, just becuase.

When I was a kid I would say “sure, yeah I like it” but once I started finding my calling my default answer was a “What? why? no” withan ocassional eye-rolling.

If it wasn’t a career, it was the way they wanted me to act, or things to say, or roles to play which I simply couldn’t and even can’t get behind it.

Thing is, I would see them unhappy or unsatisfied with their decisions or just not following through with the same choices they wanted me to follow.

Maybe I didn’t know back then what I wanted but I for sure knew I wanted to make choices that fulfilled me.

I just couldn’t care for their opinions on the matter, but my own

Setting boundaries

Oh boy this is a good one.

I reallly thought being a people pleaser would make me welcomed, accepted and respected whenever I was.

Boy was I wrong.

Being so overly compliant and with no boundaries set meant people could do as they pleased with me.

If you thought I meant sexually, also yes.

But it’s just one of the ways people took advantage of me; and when denied once, demanded as if it was their right.

Because that’s what I got people used to.

Setting boundaries was essentially giving everyone shock therapy and shutting down their resistance to them.

But it also was a teaching moment for them.

It was the moment where they could see how their actions; if not corrected, would only lead to rejection and estrangement not only from me; but from others as well.

Setting boundaries was one of the first empowering things I ever did.

It was the first time I consciously let my voice be heard and taken seriously.

For sure, all these “selfish” things have created some distance with some people I thought would be close to me forever.

But it’s one of the by-products of loving yourself.

Some will not agree on how you do it, but it’s not up to them, it’s only up to you and what you decide.

Be “selfish” but be happy and content.

I dare you to just be brave, and try. You’re not alone in this.

As even when we lose things, we gain something bigger and better.

You can do this!!